In 2008/09 I started my first blog entry on Blogger, I started a blog because for me it was an outlet to express myself. I didn’t feel judged by anyone, no one felt the need to give me their advice on my thoughts I just felt free to express myself. It was this new form of writing down my thoughts instead of in a journal like I had done since I was a kid. It was fun for me to be able to share my thoughts to the public even though probably no one was actually reading it. I could share my favorite song, my favorite beauty products, my favorite new shoes. It was new and I really enjoyed it. I quickly became bored with it, so I switched platforms, I switched back and forth between a couple before I settled here.
The one thing I will admit is that I have never been consistent with this blog. I haven’t really been consistent with anything in my life. I talk a lot of talk but rarely do I follow through with it. Am I lazy? maybe a little, do I not care? Not at all, do I let me depression & anxiety dictate my life? Absolutely. Do I let people’s perception of me dictate my content? Yes. I spent a good portion of this blog trying to be someone I am not. trying to pretend I had it together, to be the person I thought I should be in the eyes of everyone else. I did this my whole life. Trying to fit in with the popular kids but instead getting bullied, trying to find the right boyfriend but instead get used, try to find the right job but hating my life. Trying to find the right friends but realizing you have nothing in common with them.
The real me. Wine guzzling bang cutting mess. (yes I cut my own bangs to hide a a bad eyebrow mess but didn’t get the bangs fixed because that was to much work).
I spent so long working so hard to be someone I thought I had to be, finally realizing it was a lie and it was exhausting, I was exhausted. I didn’t know who I was anymore, I had taken all those lies and created a blog that just really wasn’t me. I took my outlet that I loved for expression and turned it into something I wasn’t proud of. Over the last couple year or so I really wanted to revisit who I was, and truly be me. I want to be honest with myself, I want to be honest to everyone who actually reads this.
I think a lot of the reason why I don’t put myself out there with personal style posts or videos is because I am scared. I am scared to show you the real me. The real me that doesn’t wash my hair all the time, the real me that can’t find anything in my room because there is too much shit on the ground. The real me that can’t tell a story without added Fuck in there somewhere. The real me that Doesn’t wear make up every day even if I have a bad skin day. The real me that is perfectly happy sitting at home on a nice day eating pizza and watching marathons of a show I’ve seen a hundred times but because that makes me happy sometimes. The real me that isn’t always super happy and can get super moody at the drop of a hat and hates driving because traffic boils my blood and sometimes people. I am scared because I don’t want to be judged, but I realize now that we live in a world full of judgement especially when people can sit behind their computers and spew judgement till their fingers fall off.
I just want to make sure I am always 100% me on here and in my personal life. I read somewhere that it’s not ok to be to open on a blog, that not everyone wants to know everything about you, but I actually disagree. My favorite blogs are the ones when people are 100% authentic, when there is that over share, when someone is open. It reminds me that they are human and that they struggle with the same things that I do on a daily basis. It makes me feel happy.
When I named this blog I was in the place between Seattle & wanting to be living in Los Angeles again. I am terrible at naming things, if I owned a store it would probably just be called “the store” or a restaurant it would be called like “the restaurant”. A friend and I were at a museum and we were looking at this painting and it was a beautiful painting of a forest, covered in trees and he asked me what I would name it and I was like “Um…Trees”. I am worthless when it comes to naming things, being creative. So I came up with Rain & Shine. Rain for being in Seattle but Shine because I wanted to be in L.A.. Things have changed, I love L.A. always will but I have changed. Eventually the name of this blog will change, to what I don’t know. But in the mean time I just wanted to be a solid 100 with everyone. I am changing and so is the blog. Because it is important to me, it gives me balance in my life.
I recently created another blog called Amour et Voyage about my stories of travel & finding love. Eventually that might merge with this blog but I am still not 100% about it, I am not 100% about anything but I just want to make sure I am working towards something in my life. So check out Amour et Voyage, follow it, comment on it. It’s fun. Stories of my travels, stories of my love life or lack there of.
